Letting Down My Guard
"Have you been crying?" asked the neighbor who showed up at my door.
I love drop-in surprise visits, but yes, I had just been crying and she caught me in a tender moment.
"Tears of disappointment," I told her, for she is a warm person and I was not going to lie to her as I would have done had it been someone not as warm.
I had applied to a gallery show that I was hoping so much to get into. I have begun to apply to gallery shows and have been turned down before (and also accepted!), but this one was feeling extra special to me. Part of it was because I submitted my strongest works to date.
'This is what it is to live this kind of life," I told her. Ups and downs. One day you're a rockstar and opportunities are knocking down your door. The next, you're wondering if you ought to start applying for cashier jobs. Nothing wrong with being a cashier. But I am an artist DETERMINED to live my life full-time in the creative zone.
She and I had a lovely chat. It lifted my mood to have social interaction in my moment of vulnerability. We said our goodbyes, and once alone, my paused tears returned as I opened up my laptop to take care of some online work.
"Alright Pam, take a deep breath and let's get on with it. There will be other shows," I encouraged myself.
As I wiped my wet eyes dry and settled into moving onward, a wild thought crossed
my mind :
I wish my boyfriend was here....I could text him and tell him I'm in a sad moment... no... I'll tell him in person.... I'm seeing him tomorrow... I'll wait and tell him then....I just wish he could be with me right now....
Less than a minute later, the door clicked. I looked up, and there he was. My heart leaped and new tears sprung to my eyes, though this time they were tears of deep and profound gratitude. How could he know?
"You have powerful wishes that tend to come true," he said to me later when I told him how absolutely perfect his timing was.
So... Onward. I get discouraged like anyone does especially on a path that requires personal resolve again and again. But I am so very well supported. My neighbor showing up at just the right time... and then my boyfriend.... and yes, I know that some are surprised I have a boyfriend for though I am open about so many personal things, I am private about my love life on social media.
I wanted to write about this as an example of how even in the low moments, and this wasn't a devastating moment, just a brief time of disappointment, there can be great comfort from others. I am a very independent woman and know how to pull myself up. I am masterful with emotional resilience and self-determination. It is what makes me a low-maintenance girlfriend, yet I am discovering how beautiful and empowering it is to allow the comfort and support of others. No easy task for me as I thrive so much on being Solo in all the things. Being vulnerable and exposed, though, creates wonderful opportunity to allow others to express care and love fore me that I otherwise would miss out on.
And so, I am staying the course. With my art making, with gallery applications, and with being open-hearted even when my heart is tender. This is the Life for me.