I've been divorced about five months now, and moved out into my own place for the last two. Divorces like marriage are custom made and no two look alike. My son was confused when he found out we were divorcing.
"You still live together and you both seem normal to me."
I told him that divorce doesn't have to be like a tv show where a couple are in DramaVille having a throw down with someone throwing the others belongings out on the curb. The end of my marriage was ... civil.
When I was younger and I would hear about couples who had been married twenty, thirty years and they'd be getting divorced I'd be thinking to myself, "Could you not have figured that shit out earlier? Why did it take you decades to decide to not be together ?"
But now I get it, oh man do I get it and I get it good.
Most marriages start the journey with the intent of going the long haul, all the way 'til death-do-we-part. I know I did. Yet even the best marriage partnership can skid into a place that makes apparent that it is time to dissolve the matrimony.
Just about every single person I told that my marriage was over gasped, hand over mouth GASPED. "No, not you guys, you are so great together."
And we were great together, for 28 years we were great together.
Until we weren't.
There is no scandal that ended our marriage, no infidelity nor moral failure involving money or sex.
It just ended.
And without going into too many personal details I can really only say that we were good together for a long time, until we weren't good together anymore. It happened unexpectedly, yet gradually the separation was happening, the living life in different lanes. People have choices.
I found out that "gray divorces," those of us who are older in years and marital status are known, are among the largest group of Americans who are divorcing these days. There are a lot of us 50 plus something-year olds who are sorting out that we need to be honest about the life we are living and if who we are with is who we are meant to Stay With. It has truly been one of the most heart-aching decisions of my life to end my marriage and yet also one of the most liberating.
I do not regret my 28-years of marriage.
Everything shapes us and nothing is wasted. This I believe.
As the reality of divorce soaks into my life and bones I am sometimes overwhelmed with a sense of displacement. My name has changed. My residence has changed. My marital status has changed.... I wonder if I can manage everything on my own as a single woman at this stage of life?
Yet I Regret N O T H I N G.
Everything shapes us and nothing is wasted.
I had a good run as a married woman. And now that I've started a new chapter in life as an unmarried woman I will be fine, I will be more than fine. Life is Life, married or single, life is life. I've joys to embrace and new adventures to launch -- my sister and I are planning a trip to Scotland next year !! -- and I've a load of healing to do. Just yesterday I sat in a chair in my upstair bedroom of my new home and cried as another layer of loss surfaced. Divorce is a loss that needs to be grieved. I do not grieve well. I tend to avoid the hard emotions of sorrow and pain. But I let that wave of grief come and with tears I confronted her as she washed over me. It's ok, I'll be ok, I'll be ok......
I'll be ok.
I will be more than OK.
In fact, I will actually flourish.
When will you begin dating? ask some friends.
Oh, whenever. I am in no hurry . When it's the right time I will know. For now, it is good to sort out how to Be Alone and Do Life on my own. I had a partner for nearly three decades. Now I am on my own and those familar butterfly flutters I had as a young woman getting my first apartment, yeah, it's kind of sort of like that. The beginning of something new that is All My Own.
I will be more than Ok.