Everything is changing.
My name is changing, My address. My marital status. Even my writerly identity. So much has come to and end, and some of those ends have been rather abrupt.
I always pictured myself being a Mrs. until I was a white-haired woman with shriveled up tattooed skin. I was certain I would grow old with the groom of my youth. But life has its way of throwing twists into the storyline, plot turns I did not see coming.
Only my therapist and closest friends know the twists and turns.
The other day I was shopping at my neighborhood store. An elderly couple were browsing the shelves a few feet from me.
"Oh, isn't this nice?" said the woman to her wrinkly handsome man.
"Why yes that is, that is nice," he said as he shared in her momentary admiration of a gaudy fourth of July star-shaped serving tray.
A wave of grief came out of nowhere. I almost staggered into the America the Free store display.
"It's ok, It's ok, It's ok," I willed to myself., "You are ok. I am ok. Breathe, breathe, breathe... ."
Eavesdropping upon an ordinary doldrum moment of a couple who look like they've been married since the early part of the twentieth century about had me undone. I was headed into a future of being an old married woman destined to shuffle around stores with my white hair man slow poking along side me.
But it ain't happening. That story is over.
I am familiar with the surprise appearances of grief. Been there, done that, just not in the context of divorce. This is so very new to me. New to being an ex-wife, an unmarried woman, a divorce`e. And then there is the creative part of my life, dormant at times but never far from the center of my life.
How will this affect my identity as a writer, I wondered ? How in the world do I reinvent myself with a new name ?
A WRITER'S REPUTATION IS HER NAME
I am by no means a rockstar writer or blogger, but I have been writing under the name Pam Hogeweide for over ten years. I wrote a book under that name, and many, many blog posts. How am I supposed to change that?
By changing it.
That's all there is to it.
Several years ago during the short but feisty time known as the Occupy Movement, I saw signs at every march I attended that announced, The Beginning is Near.
It is an interesting epiphany when a cardboard protest sign nails a truth on the head.
My divorce is a beginning, a new start, a fresh chapter ... a bright shiny new day of a new life for me. I've grieving to do, a big move on the horizon and a new Writerly identity to build, but onward I go. The end is near and so is the beginning.
In the words of my newest heroine, Daenerys Targaryen, from Game of Thrones::
Shall we begin ?
yes, i think i will. The beginning of my new life is near.